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USWNT Redeems American Empire After Men/Government go 0-2 Against Venezuela (Satire?)

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USA v Thailand: Group F - 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup France Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

Neither Greg Berhalter nor Juan Guaido were unable able to bring glory to the American Empire this month but Jill Ellis was able to deliver by leading the US women’s national team to a 13-0 victory over Thailand. Unfortunately the victory has been marred by a bunch of snowflake cucks saying that celebrating double digit goals against a nation who’s highest paid player made $5000 from playing soccer last year is kind of a dick move. This is pure nonsense. After all, what is the point of reaping the benefits of a blood soaked global empire built on the subjugation of 3rd world nations if you can’t really rub it in their faces?

You might have seen this video comparing the celebrations of Christine Sinclair and Meghan Rapinoe after scoring goals against tiny nations in a blowout:

The terrorist sympathizers who hate our freedoms might say that Sinclair’s reaction shows a lot more humility and awareness of the context of the victory but you shouldn’t take what these freaks say to heart. Sinclair should take notes from Rapinoe and really relish her country’s superiority to a tiny nation with a history of being at the centre of bloody colonial wars! She should have leapt into the crowd and physically ripped a Musqueam child from their parents and forced that child to learn English. Be proud of your heritage Christine!

But the dissenters are mostly Canadians, still salty about their defeat in the 2012 Olympics. They have no right to be because Melissa Tancredi stepped on Carli Lloyd’s face in that game. That was the only contentious refereeing decision in that whole game! (a reminder that those who suggest otherwise or use the phrase “it was taken from us” will be shot for sedition). America was robbed if you think about it (the still won of course because they are so great and awesome). The victory that Ellis has won has done wonders for the moral of American citizens.

I mean, also a little bit the fact that they have the most money and most professional players but yeah mostly the attitude thing.

Oh hell yeah Jill. You make sure that every country knows that one of the last arenas in which they could feel, even for just a day, like they weren’t totally under the US’s thumb in every way is rapidly vanishing. Make them really feel the boot on their throat. Slay Queen.

Remember last summer when I wrote that piece on dictatorships at the World Cup and how they use football to project an image of strength and to drum up nationalist fervour to put the bad things they do out of the minds of citizens who might otherwise be critical of why things are the way they are? Wild how all those other countries do that. Ah, good times.

Hell yeah Courtney! That will show...um...Thailand I guess... for talking smack! In the words of Fulovshet president Mike Martignago “tears in my eyes.”

Who would have guessed that the seemingly progressive and kind hearted USWNT fan base would harbour in their hearts a secret desire to rule the world with an iron fist? Most people. Most people would have thought that. Because the open cruelty of a Trump rally might be too much for you but deep down you know that standing a top a giant pile of treasure and using your barely fathomable wealth to dunk on the rest of the world owns. Deep down you’re a conquerer who longs for the screams of your enemies. You and I were born in countries that are rich on the backs of exploitation and genocide. Every aspect of our society instills in us that we have earned our superiority over the rest of the world and we take a twisted pleasure in flexing our muscle. We might resist this messaging enough to not be outright fascists but the darkness is lurking there under the surface. Sports is just one of the few acceptable avenues to let these feelings out while still deluding ourselves that we’re not complicit in the horrors that take place across the globe so that we can get into dumbass Twitter fights about how much you should celebrate your 10th goal of the game at the Women’s World Cup. But try not to think too hard about that. Just sit back, crack open a Bud Light and be sure to cartwheel across the living room as your millionaire striker smashes her 5th past a goalkeeper who has a second job as a school teacher.