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“The Puny Humans Will Call it Van Isle or They Will Perish!” Say Powerful Aliens in Charge of Canadian Premier League Marketing (Satire)


The group of powerful aliens, who have almost learned to authentically imitate the language and culture of humans, but not quite, put out a forceful statement in favour of referring to Vancouver Island as “Van Isle” on Monday. No human in all of history has ever referred to Vancouver Island as such but the aliens seem undeterred.

a spokesperson for the Aliens told Eighty Six Forever, “tremble before me!”

“The puny humans will call it Van Isle or THEY WILL PERISH! They will flock to the great and important city of Langford to observe these strange games of war you puny earthlings call sport!”

Locals, however, have expressed confusion at the messaging ahead of Pacific F.C’s inaugural Canadian Premier League season.

“nobody calls it Van Isle, it’s always ‘the Island’ or just ‘Vancouver Island’”

A local soccer fan told us

“It’s like all the marketing is being done by someone who’s read about Vancouver Island but has never actually been there. I suppose that makes sense considering it’s being done by Aliens who have are still getting acclimated to earth.”

Many Island supporters feel that strange decisions and messaging which approximate what humans would do and say but just seem slightly off have been going on for some time.

“They seem convinced that Langford is a place people want to go.”

Another fan told us

“I mean there are two stadiums which are used for Soccer in Victoria, one of which has hosted a number of World Cup qualifiers in the past, but we’re going to play the games at a stadium that’s literally on the side of the highway, has almost no bus service to it, and where they have to move a hydro pole just get it up to capacity? That just doesn’t make any least not to humans.”

However Langford Mayor Stewart Young hit back at the outcry.

“The Aliens have made a tremendous choice choosing Langford as the home of Pacific F.C. Claims that we’re hard to get to, are outside of where the majority the population of Vancouver Island lives, and are basically just a loose confederation of gas stations are largely exaggerated. If they want me to call it Van Isle then I will.”

The mayor was then ushered into a backroom from which screams and slithering sounds could be heard.

We’ll bring you more on this story as it develops.