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This Just In: Week 28 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Erik Hurtado poses with a soccer ball. Moments later, he launched it into the ionosphere with a solid right-footed strike.
Erik Hurtado poses with a soccer ball. Moments later, he launched it into the ionosphere with a solid right-footed strike.
Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Hurtado Invited To 2016 U.S. Olympic Team

Wih the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia inching ever closer, bringing with them the prospect of the first Russian-hosted Games since the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow. Games historians will no doubt be hoping to move past the mood of the world at that time - one of great conflict and tension, what with Russian-American relations at frosty levels and an unpopular war in the middle east that has absolutely no parallel or comparison to modern times whatsoever.

(I mean, come on, this time we're considering boycotting because of homophobia, not Afghanistan. Progress! But I digress.)

In fact, some Olympics fans are already looking ahead to the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, which will no doubt exude the positive party atmosphere kept alive by the 2014 FIFA World Cup, since that seems to be going pretty well. In fact, the U.S. Olympic Committe has already begun naming athletes to compete in various disciplines following a series of unorthodox secret tests conducted at locations around the globe. In a somewhat surprising turn of events, it was revealed on Wednesday that one of those athletes is Vancouver Whitecaps striker Erik Hurtado - a revelation made even more surprising when the athletic discipline was made clear.

"We are thrilled to welcome Erik to the 2016 U.S. Olympic skeet shooting team," said a beaming Alan Ashley, Team USA's Chief of Sport Performance. "We secretly set up clay pigeon launchers in the upper bowl of BC Place behind the nets during the Chivas USA match. Sure enough, every time we launched a target into the air, Erik drilled each one with a single well-placed strike. It might be a bit difficult to get Erik to adapt his natural skeet skills to firearms instead of a ball but we feel he has the potential of a young Kim Rhode."

When asked for comment, a somewhat dumbfounded Erik Hurtado could only respond, "Uh, yeah, yeah, that's what I was doing. Yeah. Shooting skeet. Yeah. Totally didn't flub anything. Yeah," before shuffling awkwardly out of the press room.

'Caps Pick Cascadian Team Kit As New Thirds

If you've been following the exploits of the Cascadia Association Football Federation, you no doubt saw the news that Seattle Sounders goalkeeper Michael Gspurning has made the dreams of many a Seattle Cascadian come true by asking for one of the new Cascadian kits on Twitter. With no small amount of smug relish, the Seattle-based (one assumes) CAFF Twitter feed then playfully rubbed Gspurning's interest in the faces of the Portland Timbers and Vancouver Whitecaps. Who would be the first non-Seattle player to ask for a pine tree kit, they asked?

Wonder no longer, CAFF. In a stunning piece of one-upsmanship, Whitecaps president Bobby Lenarduzzi announced on Friday the retirement of Vancouver's arbutus brown third kit and the immediate adoption of the Cascadian kit, logos and all, as the Whitecaps' third kit. Theories were immediately posed by the gathered press: was this an attempt to curry favour with impatient supporters groups and concerned fans over the team's recent performance? Was this a trial run to see if Gershon Koffie and Camilo Sanvezzo would be able to truly handle the path to Canadian citizenship? Did somebody switch Lenarduzzi's decaf with espresso again?

"Seattle kits one keeper in Cascadian colours? Fine," said a grinning Lenarduzzi. "Then we kit an entire [expletive] team in Cascadian colours. Choke on that, flounders; your move, Portland. The 'Duze out." With that, Lenarduzzi dropped the microphone and strode out of the room to a waiting parked Porsche. Before anyone could say anything, "The 'Duze" peeled out onto Expo Boulevard with The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" blasting from his stereo.

Said Whitecaps COO Rachel Lewis shortly afterwards, "I know I shouldn't keep switching Bobby's decaf with espresso but it's just too much fun."

Be Our 1000th Follower On Twitter

Finally, we're approaching a big milestone here a Eighty Six Forever - our 1000th Twitter follower! As we approach the big 1-0-0-0, we'll be putting the names of the final five followers into a draw. The winner takes home an official Whitecaps scarf, courtesy of your friends at 86F. Plus, as a special treat for follower #1000, they'll receive the shout-out to end all shout-outs right here in This Just In. So what are you waiting for? Follow us!

Thank you to everyone who has been reading, following, tweeting and commenting through this season. We are nothing without our readers, so thank you very much for being a part of this ride with us and helping to make this site what it is.

Here's to another thousand followers!


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.