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This Just In: Week 27 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Martin Rennie confuses a pitchside cameraman with his imitation of Perry Solkowski.
Martin Rennie confuses a pitchside cameraman with his imitation of Perry Solkowski.
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Criticism of Rennie's Tactics Continues in Oddest of Places

The Vancouver Whitecaps' loss at the hands of the LA Galaxy brought out another batch of critiques on head coach Martin Rennie. While in any other situation a 1-0 loss to the reigning MLS Cup champs would be no major issue, the fact that it happened at home with the only goal coming inside the first three minutes elevated the issue status from "not" to "probably". (That whiff by Jordan Harvey didn't help matters, either.)

Criticism has run the gamut of topics: the 4-3-3 formation versus the 4-4-2, Matt Watson versus Daigo Kobayashi, Darren Mattocks versus Camilo Sanvezzo, Alien versus Predator (hint: pick the humans)... and, oddly enough, Old Rennie Hair versus New Rennie Hair. "Ugh," noted M'c Kenneth Licon of "Just ugh. What more can I say? I'd flag him for offside - since that 'do is well past the last shred of good taste - if I hadn't already shown that tired suit the red card. Please, Martin, fire your new stylist and bring back the old guard for the Chivas match."

Victoria Potter of concurred. "I'm still trying to decide what was worse: seeing Montreal win the Voyageurs Cup at BC Place or seeing Martin Rennie ruin the "overaged schoolboy" look for everyone. Angus Young, you've finally been outdone. Yikes. Oh, and bench Daigo Kobayashi until he learns what a facial is."

David Ousted's Handshake Monologue

Vancouver sports fans will no doubt be familiar with the strange habits of Danish athletes courtesy of one Jannik Hansen. The Canucks forward affectionately known as "Honningrævling" (look it up) made fans snicker and bloggers salivate when he revealed his love of celebrities. First, he stopped mid-warmup to have Gene Simmons sign his stick, then went nearly apopletic at hearing he'd missed a chance to meet Pamela Anderson. Since we can accurately extrapolate the attitudes of an entire country based on a single representative, it logically follows that Whitecaps goalkeeper David Ousted would share the same star-struck nature with North American personalities.

During the traditional pre-kickoff handshake against Los Angeles, Ousted got a chance to briefly grasp the hands of some people who, in the right context, might be considered soccer celebrities. Sure enough, the Dane's racial instincts took over. Thanks to Eighty Six Forever's extensive network of pitchside and referee-mounted microphones - and by "extensive network", we mean "we bribed a guy who works at Sportsnet" - we are proud to present the spur-of-the-moment, stream-of-conciousness ramblings produced by a star-struck David Ousted.

"Ja, good luck... held og lykke... good luck... oh! Oh! You're Robbie Keane! I saw you score that goal in 2009 against France! What a match that was, and then... oh, ja, that... that thing happened with Thierry Henry... er... Robbie? Where are you going? Oh, ja, right, handshakes... good luck, held og lykke... oh! Landon Donovan! You found your way out of Cambodia! I was so worried you had been eaten by an impoverished child. I have a trading card of you when you still had hair so blonde it would make a young Danish girl weep with envy! If you could just hold on, I keep it my boot for good luck, so maybe you could sign it... Landon? Landon?! Where are you going?! We haven't become friends yet! ...fine! Forget you, you ærgerlig søko! I know what you did in Jalisco! I dare you to try and score on me tonight! I dare you!"

Following the match, Ousted declined to speak to reporters and was nowhere to be found in the locker room; however, pieces of a torn-up Landon Donovan trading card were found scattered near Ousted's stall.

Miller Retires To Avoid Ever Having To Face Pearson

After a picture-perfect final match against England (if you ignore the part where Scotland lost), Kenny Miller announced this week his retirement from international football. The former captain was no doubt buoyed by a brilliant goal to send himself along but admitted in a recent interview his retirement had an extra sense of urgency to it.

"Honestly, I had to get out while I could, right?" said Miller during a Whitecaps training session. "I mean, I'll put that kit and ball on my mantle forever, of course - proud memory it'll be, too - but if I had stayed with Scotland for another match there's a chance I'd run into that daft idiot Pearson. No way in hell am I getting within three time zones of that wanker, so it's retirement for me."

For those that missed it, the subplot of the England-Scotland friendly was a bet made public over Twitter by one Ryan Pearson - a supporter so confident that Miller would not score that he promised to have "Kenny Miller, Goal Machine" tattooed on his rear should the unthinkable happen. Not only did Miller score but Pearson went through with the bet. That was too much for Miller to contemplate.

"Knowing my luck, I'd probably be at the pub after a match having a pint or two and Pearson would walk in. He'd be all, 'Oi, Miller! Look what you did to me bum!' and drop trou. Look, I've seen a lot of horrible things in my time - after all, I played for Wolves and Bursapor - but seeing "Kenny Miller, Goal Machine" on a supporter's pimply arse is right out."

The moral, according to Miller? "If you're going to bet, just bet a [expletive] fiver and don't put it on [expletive] Twitter."


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.