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This Just In: Week 26 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Simon Thomas has played more for the national team than his club's first team this season. Ponder that. Thomas certainly has.
Simon Thomas has played more for the national team than his club's first team this season. Ponder that. Thomas certainly has.
Bob Levey

Simon Thomas Reminds Us He's Still Here

"Hi, everyone. Hi. Goalkeeper Simon Thomas here and, last time I checked, I'm still on roster with the Vancouver Whitecaps. At least, I sure hope I am. I'd better be. I gave up a plum job picking bench splinters out of my butt at Huddersfield Town with the understanding that I'd be playing for Vancouver. That's right - Huddersfield. As in, managed-to-not-get-relegated-from-the-Championship Huddersfield. Come on, you Terriers! Arf! Arf!

"...sorry, where was I? Right. I'm still here, still a Whitecap and still waiting for some starting minutes. Sure, I got to play with the U-23s down in the USL PDL, which was fun and all. It's just not, y'know, 20,000-plus screaming voices in BC Place. Also, we kinda got bounced from the PDL playoffs by the Portland Timbers U-23s, which definitely wasn't fun. Oh, but we did win the Juan de Fuca Plate! That was fun! I mean, I didn't get to start the deciding match and Marco Carducci made some phenomenal saves to win us the trophy, but hey - winning! Always fun, right?

"Long story short, I'm just really hoping everyone still remembers I'm here. I'm not at FC Edmonton or doing a PCSL stint or anything like that; I'm here, with Vancouver, hoping I could be so lucky as to be picking bench splinters out of my keister. I was slightly worried when David Ousted was brought in, since, y'know, that makes four goalkeepers on roster which drops my chances of scoring even some rare backup duty from "slim" to "who are you?". But hey, it could be worse, I suppose. I could be Joe Cannon, am I right, Joe? ...Joe? Oh, don't be that way. Come on man, how about a thumbs-up? ...okay, that's not a thumb. Anyway, that's all from me, Simon Thomas, still here. Arf!"

Rennie Signs Thorrington Poltergeist For Galaxy Match

We here at TJI do not fear that which goes bump in the night, as evidence by our repeated coverage of the vengeful spirit of John Thorrington. The former Whitecap and perennial injury magnet has been identified as the source of this season's backline injuries, having possessed players, inanimate objects and, of course, the vending machines near Section 246 of BC Place to achieve his single-minded goal of visiting injurious ruin on his former club. To say his presence has been unwelcome would be like saying Sigi Schmid is a touch past skinny.

You can imagine the number of jaws on the floor at yesterday's press briefing, then, when Martin Rennie and Tom Soehn unveiled Thorrigton's ethereal essence as their newest signing in advance of this weekend's home match against the Los Angeles Galaxy. "At first, yes, I loathed the unearthly visitation of Thorrington," said Rennie to a stunned press corps. "Then I realized, he's got an aggressive personality, tireless work rate and can play almost anywhere on the park. Why wouldn't I sign him to go up against Robbie Keane, Landon Donovan and Juninho? Plus, if we're really lucky, he'll cause a few broken ankles or something simply by manifesting on the pitch."

When asked about the legality of such a transfer, Soehn clarified how Vancouver was able to acquire their newest player. "Technically, Thorrington's body is still in RFK Stadium. That means he's still with his club, D.C. United," explained Soehn. "We haven't taken a player away from his club by signing his angry aether-bound counterpart, so by the letter of the law we're all good."

None of the reporters had the courage to make a joke about the spirit of the law with the pale, leering eyes of Thorrington's vengeful spirit burrowing into their souls.

Poetry Corner: Haikus In Honour Of Football Manager 2014

Soon to be released
Bringing months of gaming fun
Say goodbye to sleep

Hm, where shall I play
A return to MLS
Sure, I love winning

No, seriously
My last play as Vancouver
Had trophies galore

Better than Rennie?
I could be if I wanted
Just need one trophy


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.