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This Just In: Week 25 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Nigel Reo-Coker can hardly believe what Perry Solkowski just asked.
Nigel Reo-Coker can hardly believe what Perry Solkowski just asked.
Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Spor

Solkowski Interview With Reo-Coker Ranks Among Worst In Vancouver's History

Vancouver Whitecaps fans were treated (if that's the right word) to an interview like few others during halftime of last weekend's match against the San Jose Earthquakes. Field-level reporter and former Inglorious Basterd Perry Solkowski managed to take the fairly rote art form of player interview for a ride on the avant-garde side when, clearly flustered by a shirtless Nigel Reo-Coker, he opened with a question not about the team's performance but the weather. That's right - the weather. Of all the things Solkowski could've opened with, he opted for a variant of "hot enough for ya?". Not "your thoughts on the first-half performance", not "how do you plan to break down the tandem of Victor Bernardez and Clarence Goodson", not even "could you make Sam Cronin do another half-gainer and dedicate it to my mom"; nope, he went for the temperature.

Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that, as a professional, Solkowski would no doubt be keen to move on from that incident and re-establish the interview's tone. In fact, he definitely should have. Did he? Of course not. Instead, Solkowski opted to turn his gaffe into a segue, referencing the "hot and humid" Western Conference standings in his next question to Reo-Coker. While Nigel was clearly the better professional of the two, answering the question, finishing the interview and moving on as fast as he possibly could, our crack team of Eighty Six Forever facial expression analysis technicians and body language experts are all but certain the Whitecaps' midfield engine was about ready to strangle Solkowksi with his own shoelaces had that interview continued a second longer.

Following the game, the president of the BC Association of Broadcasters, James Stuart, was unequivocal in his analysis. "That [Solkowski] interview, quite simply, stunk," said Stuart in a BCAB press release. "In my years of watching and critiquing sports interviews, I can honestly say I've seen very few train wrecks quite as bad as that one." Robert Nason, instructor at the British Columbia Institute of Technology's Broadcast Journalism program, was less eloquent in his analysis during an interview with BCIT Magazine. "How's the weather?! Are you [expletive] kidding me?" Spittle flying out of his mouth, the broadcast veteran continued, "I'd sooner watch Lui Passaglia accidentally get named MVP of the Grey Cup again or listen to Kevin Bieksa punk that idiot reporter by pretending to be Ryan Kesler during the Stanley Cup playoffs. Good [expletive] grief, Charlie Brown."

Discarded 'Caps Card Auction Ideas

If you've visited recently, you may have noticed that they're running a rather intriguing contest. Open to 'Caps Card accounts - a.k.a. season ticket holders - participants can spend their points on raffles or auctions for prizes such as behind-the-scenes tours, coffee with club president and oldest defender in the league Bobby Lenarduzzi, and jobs disguised as prizes such as 'Caps Reporter and Press Conference Attendee. It's certainly a novel way to reward season ticket holders, especially those that can be bothered to enter in all those damn points codes that keep annoyingly popping up in the middle of matches.

As compelling as those prizes may be, what's even more compelling is the list of ideas left on the boardroom floor. Thanks to our crack team of unpaid dumpster divers, Eighty Six Forever has managed to recover a sampling of the discarded 'Caps Card rewards:

  • Dress up as Spike for a friendly visit to a school (Auction)
  • Attend a Whitecaps training session as a pylon/free kick dummy (Auction)
  • Priority queuing for all post-game call-ins to sports talk radio (100-Point Raffle)
  • Watch the second half of an away game from Carl Valentine's rumpus room (Auction)
  • Hairstyling session with Russell Teibert (100-Point Raffle)
  • Cooking lessons with Darren Mattocks (50-Point Raffle)

Don't Forget: Live Chat Following VAN vs. COL

Finally, I'd like to use a portion of this week's TJI to remind all our loyal readers that Eighty Six Forever is doing another live chat following the Vancouver-Colorado match this weekend. We'll post the article shortly before the game ends and start the live chat once we've all had time to have a snack break, drink break, potty break or what have you.

Sure, there might be other options out there in the media world, but why wait on hold listening to nonsensical, barely informed sports radio blather when you could join in on some nonsensical, barely informed internet blather?


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.