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This Just In: Week 21 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Brazil manager Luiz Felipe Scolari approves of David Luiz's hair.
Brazil manager Luiz Felipe Scolari approves of David Luiz's hair.
Shaun Botterill

Carlo Corazzin Reviews His Colour Commentary Performance

"Yeah, hi there, Whitecaps supporters. Carlo Corazzin here, former 86er, former Whitecap and former Gold Cup winner with Canada. Yeah, that's right, Canada won a Gold Cup in 2000. Incidentally, I also won the Golden Boot at that Gold Cup, which makes me double-gold, so, yeah. Yeah.

"Yeah, so you probably noticed Dolie wasn't in the broadcast booth with C-Mac for that match against the Chicago Fire - probably because we're still trying to get him back from Amway - so ol' Carlo got the call. Yeah, I gotta say, I think I did a pretty good job.

"Yeah, I mean, since I already do some radio work, it's not like sports commentary is a foreign concept to me - unlike, say, Canada not winning a Gold Cup - so all I had to do was follow C-Mac's excellent lead and the rest was easy. Yeah, it's like C-Mac was the Reo-C of the broadcast team and I was, let's say, the Carlo Corazzin circa 2000. Yeah, Reo-C is good and all but he's no Golden Boot winner. Neither is Dolie, incidentally. How about that?

"Yeah, last word: as good as Reo-C looked against Chicago, I gotta say ol' Carlo looked better in the broadcast booth. If you exami- sorry, who? Nigel Reo-Coker? Yeah, never heard of him. Whoever he is, I doubt he could boss the midfield like Reo-C or top the 2000 Gold Cup scoring charts like me. Yeah, I love that guy, by which I mean me. Yeah."

Camilo Declaration Draws Scolari Response

Camilo Sanvezzo has done most everything within his power to prove his value to the Vancouver Whitecaps. After his brace against the Chicago Fire earned him Player of the Week honours from Major League Soccer, it seemed like there was no award the wee Brazilian (again, we are required to say this) couldn't claim; no challenge he couldn't conquer. Heck, he even has his own official t-shirt.

Perhaps that mentality of invincibility is what led Camilo to declare his interest in playing for the Canadian men's national team should he gain Canadian citizenship. One can only assume that an unshakable belief in one's own superiority and infallibility is the only way a person would want to play for Canada at this point, considering the team's less than noble exit from the 2013 Gold Cup; heck, even Russell Teibert is trying to defect to Cuba. Still, the news came as a rare ray of hope and optimism for Voyageurs across the country and for new Canada head coach Benito Floro who, upon hearing of Camilo's interest, called up Brazil manager Luiz Felipe Scolari to laugh uproariously before immediately hanging up.

As a result, Scolari addressed the media on Wednesday to warn Floro that he would not tolerate any attempt to steal Camilo from Brazil's player pool. "Comila's domination of both Malta and Canada is proof enough to me and all of Brazil that he should be wearing the blue and yellow, not the red and white. From this day forward, Camalo will be a priority for all national team call-ups."

After a brief pause, Scolari added, "After Neymar, of course. And Fred. And Hulk. And Jô. And Thiago Silva. And David Luiz. And Júlio César. And Luís Fabiano. And Ronaldinho. And Ronaldo. And my dream call-up, the legs of Pelé and Cafu surgically grafted to a Carnival dancer. But right after that, I would call up Camila. Absolutely. Just make sure he knows how to samba. He knows how to samba, right?"

Floro responded, "Yes. Something like that."

Corey Hertzog Signs Mo-Cap Deal With Telefilm Canada

Though he might not be the most recognizable members of the Whitecaps' attacking corps, Corey Hertzog does have two decent claims to fame: his long throw-ins, a weapon the 'Caps have sorely needed in their set piece arsenal, and his opportunistic goal against the San Jose Earthquakes during "Shoegate". It's not the stuff of legends but it's enough to give Hertzog an opportunity that could make him the most famous Whitecap to date. Thanks to French director Sylvain Chomet, Hertzog will be working with Telefilm Canada to provide motion capture for Chomet's recently announced sequel to his Academy Award-nominated animated film Les Triplettes de Belleville, tentatively titled Plus des Triplettes de Belleville.

Chomet was practically beaming as he introduced a noticeably exhausted Hertzog to the assembled media in front of Vancouver Film Studios. "C'est magnifique, non? Monsieur Hertzog has all the physical attributes we need for this chapter of the Belleville story. When I first saw Corey panting with exertion, horse-like face stretched and mouth constantly agape, sucking air like a jet turbine, I knew I had found the perfect actor to play the cyclists."

Hertzog attempted to answer questions directed at him but could only manage to pant and wheeze, mouth locked in a shape not unlike two horseshoes glued end-to-end. Chomet explained, "In order to get Corey into the right frame of mind, we recreated the scene in Les Triplettes where the cyclists are riding on stationary bicycles for the amusement of the gambling mafia. He's been pedaling non-stop since six o'clock this morning, so I can imagine Corey is just a bit tired. On the plus side, those legs won me fifty dollars off of Martin Rennie, so la vie est belle pour moi!"

At this, Hertzog managed a half-hearted thumbs-up before collapsing, breathing heavily through his mouth and legs still twitching in a circular motion.


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.