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An Open Lett'ah Tew Kenny Mill'ah

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It's not like I have a man-crush on the guy, but Kenny Miller's been a big part of the Whitecaps' steady climb from insignificance to mediocrity, up past acknowledgement, and into the hallowed stratosphere of MLS respect. So I thought I'd drop him a line or two - starting off with my best approximation of his own dialect...

Kenny Miller's been reborn, and his resurgence with the Vancouver Whitecaps has helped lift the team to very lofty heights indeed.
Kenny Miller's been reborn, and his resurgence with the Vancouver Whitecaps has helped lift the team to very lofty heights indeed.
USA TODAY Sports

Ho ye! Kenny... ah wunda if ah kood ave a wee word?

All kinds a daft haver* gaen aboot thit yur oaf oan yer trolley back hame affer yer dun 'ere in Vanky Toon. Ah dinnae wit's in yer heed - whit's true, and whit's jus keech thit them otha sport dobbers wit nay a scooby put togetha.

But 'fore ya gae back ta Embra, an play fer some skint knob in tha dreich, mibay thait cannie laddie Camilo has a goode plan. Whynae stay an see oot yer playin' days here?

Ya know, Kenny, ye an the rest of clan Millah ave put a great deal o taime inta the fitbaw moove all this way across the great Atlantic an ahr bonnie land.

And to help you better acclimatize to the Canadian way of life, I'll switch to our obscure little dialect here on the West Coast. You see, I think we're finally onto something really good here in Vancouver - witness this week's latest laurels including Player of the Week, Rookie of the Week, All-Star selection, and candidate for Goal of the Week. Oh yeah, and Brad Knighton would have posted back-to-back clean sheets if not for a back line snoozer in time added.

You've played a huge hand (or is it foot?) in getting us here, so I'd kinda like you to stick around and see the transformation through for a little while.

Scotland can wait. The Salisbury crags aren't going anywhere, and neither is Castle Rock, the Royal Mile, or the Firth of Forth.

To be sure, the beaches in East Fife are wonderful - anyone who's been to the town of Elie will know that, but they can't hold a candle to the stretch between Kits point and Locarno. Or an early morning walk around the seawall in Stanley Park. And while Crail still serves up the best fish ' n chips I've ever tasted, can you get a good japadog there, or a decent frappucino?

Which leads me to another vital consideration: the weather. Maybe it's just me, but I think we've had more sunshine here in the past two weeks than Scotland's had in its entire existence. And you're said to be considering a move from 28 degrees and pure blue sky to a 100% chance of moss? Sure, it's crap here from November to the end of February too - but it's the off season! You can load up on nostalgia and still play in decent conditions if you stay here.

True, we don't have Ben Nevis, but Grouse Mountain is almost as high, but the view here is far grander.

If you need more persuading, I hear that the cobblestones in Gastown (our very own Old Town) were imported from Glasgow - so you might enjoy treading on them just a little more heavily than otherwise!

Aye, ya ken us 'ere Kenny, an ya know we'd nae wanna see ya scramble.

Sincerely,

Rob Scott
Member in good standing
Cheeky bastirts local #101

* See: Wictionary's Glossary of Scottish Slang and Jargon