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This Just In: Week 18 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Joe Cannon practices welcoming David Ousted to Vancouver with some help from Lionard Pajoy.
Joe Cannon practices welcoming David Ousted to Vancouver with some help from Lionard Pajoy.
Rich Schultz

Curva Collective Begins Plans For Camilo Statue

With his blistering hot form, it's been very easy for Whitecaps fans to love Camilo Sanvezzo as of late. The Brasilian striker (who, for legal reasons, must be referred to as a "wee Brasilian" at least once in all media reports) has notched eight goals in fourteen MLS appearances, scored three goals in four Canadian Championship appearances, bagged consecutive hat tricks as himself in FIFA '13, earned a high score on the Frogger cabinet in Megabite Pizza on Granville, won $5 on a scratch-and-win ticket and assisted in delivering a baby inside a stuck elevator in Metropolis at Metrotown.

In short, Camilo's had a decent season and I'm sure we can expect him to be traded to the Columbus Crew by this time next week. (I kid, I kid. He's going to Toronto FC. Or New York City FC.)

Nevertheless, the largest single collection of Camilo supporters and fanatics in Vancouver, the Curva Collective, are striking while the wee Brasilian (told you) is hot - they've commissioned a fifteen-foot bronze statue of Camilo to stand outside BC Place. The word "stand" is a bit of a misnomer, though; as one Curva member explained, "Our goal is to have our Camilo immortalized in one of two poses: either we get him contorted in agony after being cruelly headbutted by the statue of Percy Williams, or we have him dancing a samba in front of the statues of Terry Fox. Either way, it can only improve the general aesthetic of the plaza."

In related news, the Curva Collective's petition to have Terry Fox Plaza renamed "The Camilo Sanvezzo Fine Plaza of Diving" was unanimously rejected by BC Place and the City of Vancouver for being, quote, "a [expletive] stupid idea".

Did Ousted Arrival Trigger Lee Ultimatum?

Popular opinion held that the Vancouver Whitecaps brain trust were up to something when they traded stalwart defender and technically-Canadian-in-case-you-hadn't-heard-about-it-after-the-umpteenth-time-it-was-mentioned Alain Rochat to D.C. United for a bag of used cleats and John Thorrington's right pinky finger. It turns out there was something afoot (or in this case, a pinky) when rumoured transfer target David Ousted was signed as the squad's newest goalkeeper.

Understandably, having four goalkeepers on the books did nothing to quell concerns from supporters that the Whitecaps' defense is perilously thin thanks to a rash of injuries and the waiving of supplemental draft pick Adam Clement. Even worse, there are now rumors that the specter of Ousted expediting Joe Cannon's departure has caused another backline crisis: in a shocking move, Young-Pyo Lee allegedly issued an ultimatum to 'Caps head coach Martin Rennie, threatening to leave the team if Cannon was moved or released from the club.

When pressed during a recent media scrum, Lee responded, "I don't know if you've noticed but I've been playing pretty lights-out awesome since I arrived here. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm going to Brasil in 2014, and I can say right here, right now, that it is absolutely not at all related to a secret fountain of youth Joe Cannon and I found in a janitor's closet. I can also state for the record that, should he leave, Joe's departure would be a blow to all of us because of his great leadership and on-field abilities, and not because he won't tell me where he hid the key to that janitor's closet. I mean, if it were true, that would be a pretty immature, spoiled thing for an overpaid, under-performing backup goalkeeper to do, right? Anyway, my point is, if Joe goes, Lee leaves."

For his part, Cannon seemed calm when asked about both his and Lee's futures. "I'm sure I can prove that I'm worthwhile to the club, regardless of who's being signed, who's leaving, who's holding magical age-defying waters hostage, or whatever. If Y.P. really is threatening to leave if I go too, that's really nice of him and totally, completely unexpected. I hope management ultimately makes the right call, but if not, it's no big deal." Cannon then cracked a grin before adding, "Life goes on, right?"

Overhearing this, Lee abruptly stopped mid-sentence in another interview and twitched for a good ten seconds before continuing on as though nothing had happened.

Rochat Reveals Real Reason For Departure

Finally, in what we hope will be the end of the grieving over the loss of Alain Rochat, the man himself made waves in the build-up to the Vancouver-D.C. match this weekend. In a blog post on FC Zürich fansite Top Cheddar, Swiss Cheese, Rochat revealed he was transferred due to an almost comical incident between himself and Whitecaps owner Greg Kerfoot during what would be Rochat's final Whitecaps practice.

"I swear to you, I couldn't have tried to do this in a million years," writes Rochat. "Yet it happened, and I am so very sorry that it did."

Rochat goes on to detail a story of an early arrival to practice that goes completely haywire due to misplaced car keys, three spilled venti no-foam lattes, a feral marmoset named Edouard and the vengeful ghost of John Thorrington. By the end of the tale, Kerfoot is in the emergency ward of Vancouver General Hospital and Rochat is in the departure area of Vancouver International Airport.

"Edouard, mon ami, if only you knew how much trouble you would - and did - cause," laments Rochat in closing.


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.