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This Just In: Week 17 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Camilo Sanvezzo tries to order mini-donuts as a celebratory snack.
Camilo Sanvezzo tries to order mini-donuts as a celebratory snack.

Steve Nash Fitness World Announces "Russell Teibert Fitness Program"

The appearance of Steve Nash at the Vancouver Whitecaps' home match against the New England Revoution on Saturday started some confused speculation. Was the part-owner of the team enjoying the match like your average multi-millionaire fan? Was he waiting for Greg Kerfoot to show up so Nash could collect on his "Whitecaps Transfer Roulette" winnings?

(Hands up if you thought the "Alain Rochat", "Traded" and "For Peanuts" trifecta would ever pay off. Me, I've still got my fingers crossed for "Carlyle Mitchell", "Waived" and "For Zourab Tsiskaridze". Papa needs a new third jersey!)

As it turned out, neither were correct. Nash was in Vancouver to announce a new addition to his chain of fitness centres: a specialized workout regime. Earlier this week, Nash greeted a sea of media in front of the Steve Nash Fitness World at Cambie and West 12th Avenue to unveil the "Russell Teibert Fitness Program" with Teibert standing and smiling awkwardly beside him. Nash explained:

"In Vancouver, there are so many options for runners and joggers, from the Seawall to the Grouse Grind to part-owning your own team and using their practice facility. Since I realize not everyone can have that latter experience, I wanted to bring it to the public as accurately as possible." Nash continued, "Basically, we have a modified tennis ball cannon launch a soccer ball forty yards off the distance, at which point you to sprint like a hyperactive rabbit after it. For added realism, we'll have touch lines at the 35-yard mark so no matter how hard you sprint, it'll likely be for nothing."

When asked for a demonstration, Nash assured the assembled media Teibert would showcase the program within the first ten minutes of the next Whitecaps game, as well as continually throughout the game. At this, Teibert whimpered slightly and began muttering, "Gold Cup, Gold Cup, Gold Cup..."

Early reviews suggest the fitness program was a great success for Teibert on the night, though the prognosis for the program's acceptance by the general public is mixed at best.

Jose Luis Real's Double Debut

New Chivas USA coach Jose Luis Real wasn't just marking his first match behind the bench during Wednesday's match against Vancouver. He also marked the debut of his career as a certified evil genius.

In the 15th minute, as Chivas USA were setting up for a corner kick, television cameras clearly spotted the new bench boss rubbing his hands in gleeful anticipation of a plan about to unfold. While the evil débutante spoiled the moment somewhat by forgetting to either cackle, chortle or giggle in accompaniment, pitchside microphones picked up the following monologue:

"...yes, yes, it's all coming together. First they kick the ball in the air, then Mario de Luna lifts up his jersey to reveal a series of mirrors surgically implanted into his abdomen. They'll all be blinded and it's a tap-in for us! I'm more genius than El Chelis; I'm an El Chelenius!"

In true evil-plan-unfolding fashion, the execution was a complete flub. The corner kick sailed straight into a waiting Brad Knighton, who promptly turned to de Luna and showed off the tinted corneal implants he'd been fitted with prior to the match. "I fear no mirrors," growled the 'Caps keeper. "I'm a Knighton in shining armour."

Paranormal Investigators Confirm Ghost of John Thorrington Finally Exorcised

Ever since the departure of MLS veteran and injury connoisseur John Thorrington during the offseason, Whitecaps supporters had visions of a perpetually healthy squad dancing in their collective head. This vision was quickly dispelled in the first match of the season, when captain Jay DeMerit lasted of all six minutes before tearing his left Achilles' tendon on a seemingly innocuous play.

From there, the injuries just continued to pile up in Thorrington-like fashion: Omar Salgado (foot fracture); Brad Rusin (calf strain); Andy OʼBrien (hamstring strain); Gershon Koffie (quad strain). Fearing that something was amiss beyond atrocious luck, Whitecaps head coach Martin Rennie took the unusual step of hiring a team of paranormal investigators to scour the whole of BC Place for anything out of the ordinary.

Rennie's gamble proved to be a winning one, as within an hour the investigators confirmed the vengeful ghost of John Thorrington was haunting the vending machines near Section 246. After a lengthy multi-dimensional, trans-reality battle involving deep séances, intricate potions and a lot of shouting and waving, the paranormal team managed to drive Thorrington's spirit out of BC Place and back into the aether, where it will once again attempt to reconnect with Thorrington's zombie-like, injury-riddled body.

All of this was welcome news to an embattled D.C. United team and their head coach, Ben Olsen. "Clearly, our season has been absolute [expletive] because of this and this alone and nothing else," said an unshaven, bleary-eyed Olsen. "Now that the whole curse thing has been taken care of, I look forward to hosting the Whitecaps not just for what I'm sure will be a ghost-free match but because I put some serious cash on "Rochat", "Traded" and "For Peanuts". Also, maybe Thorrington will stop moaning in a low voice at all hours of the day because that is seriously [expletive] up."


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.