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This Just In: Week 35 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Could one of these men be the next head coach of the Whitecaps?
Could one of these men be the next head coach of the Whitecaps?

BCLC Releases VWFC Manager Betting Odds

Gabriel Torres may have ended the Vancouver Whitecaps season with his wicked strike but he kicked off an even more prestigious endeavour: betting on Martin Rennie's replacement as head coach. This week saw the release of the official odds from the British Columbia Lottery Corporation (BCLC) and, while there are some surprising names on the list, what isn't surprising is the speed with which the knives have come out for Rennie.

"You can always count on one thing when it comes to Vancouver-based sports teams," explained BC Deputy Minister of Finance Peter Milburn. "They will turn on their team and anyone associated with it after a series of losses. Thankfully, we've managed to turn this cynical myopia into a real win for the province by allowing responsible citizens to bet on who they think will succeed an out-of-favour coach or player."

Here is the complete list of odds as provided by BCLC:

Frank Yallop 4:1
Jesse Marsch 6:1
Jason de Vos 10:1
Martin Nash 12:1
Craig Forrest 14:1
Tony Fonseca 15:1
John Herdman 30:1
Tom Soehn 55:1
Bob Lenarduzzi 140:1
Teitur Thordarson 385:1
Chelís 1000:1

Adventurous punters may also take the unpopular "Rennie Stays" option at F:1, which pays out by letting you set fire to a percentage of the money wagered by the losers. Cackling madly is encouraged.

Burgundy Wave Offers Crow, I Eat It

Continuing Gabriel Torres' invasion of our blog and our nightmares, the folks over at fellow SB Nation blog Burgundy Wave recently took me to task for comparing the Panamanian to infamous bust Mustapha Jarju. Their point was a simple and fair one: Torres has actually scored a goal. (Since their article, he's scored another one. I may have mentioned it earlier.) I'll concede the argument there and, in the spirit of reconciliation, add in a few more ways in which Torres is nothing like Jarju.

  • Torres is Panamanian; Jarju is Gambia.
  • Torres plays for the Colorado Rapids; Jarju played for the Vancouver Whitecaps.
  • Torres is still in Major League Soccer; Jarju has since left for the Jupiler League, Belgium's top level of professional football.
  • Torres, along with Vicente Sánchez, is credited with being a central cog in the Colorado rebuild; Jarju, along with Barry Robson, is credited with having been a drain on Vancouver's progress.
  • Torres prefers cookies 'n cream ice cream; Jarju prefers pistachio mint.
  • Torres shops at independent retailers that source fairly traded goods; Jarju never met a Walmart he didn't like.
  • Torres once saved a puppy from a house fire; Jarju arrived at the same house fire and punted a kitty in. (At least, he attempted to but the kick sailed well wide.)

Reminder: The Playoff Dream is Definitely Extinct

Well, you can't say I haven't been warning you these past few weeks. After what looked to be a reprieve in Colorado, the playoff dream - and with it, the 2013 season - finally went extinct in a 3-2 loss. In the final instalment of our grief-management series designed to help you come to terms with the loss of another precious season, we had many candidates to choose from: the Atitlán Grebe, the Falkland Islands wolf, the Japanese sea lion, the aurochs and the thylacine, just to name a few. (As an aside, if you ever need evidence that British colonialism was kinda regrettable, do a search for extinct species.) In the end, we went with this tragic creature, the Toolache wallaby.

Formerly a resident of southern Australia, the Toolache wallaby was described as elegant and swift. While the swiftness was unquestioned - one specimen escaped after a six-kilometre chase by a hunter on horseback - the elegance may have been a tad overstated owing to its unique method of mobility: two short hops, a long hop and a stare into the sky. It's eerily similar to the playstyle we saw all too often this season: two short passes, a long ball and frustrated gazes into the sky after a clumsy turnover or shot gone wide.

On the plus side, I'm fairly confident foxes and greyhounds will not be attacking the players after this weekend's match.

Goodbye, 2013 season. It's been fun.


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.