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This Just In: Week 34 Edition

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

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This photo provides rare proof that not only does Omar Salgado exist, he once scored a goal.
This photo provides rare proof that not only does Omar Salgado exist, he once scored a goal.
Jamie Sabau

Cascadia Cup Etiquette for Dummies

Good news, everyone: the Vancouver Whitecaps won some silverware this year! Better news: it's not a Mickey Mouse trophy! Truly, the chance to celebrate an accomplishment that actually means something is not something that comes along often for the average Vancouver sports fan. Many of you may be tempted to party your brains out and beginning planning parade routes. Not so fast, cowpoke; there are rules to follow in situations like these. To save you from committing any embarrassing faux pas or minor felonies during the post-victory celebrations, we here at Eighty Six Forever have thoughtfully put together this list of what to do and what not to do when honouring Vancouver's Cascadia Cup victory.

  • DO hold your scarf up proudly as the cup is presented.
  • DON'T tie five scarves together and attempt to lasso the cup into your section.
  • DO scream and cheer as loudly as you can.
  • DON'T blow the eardrums out of everyone else on the SkyTrain; wait until you're not in a small enclosed space to go nuts.
  • DO get a photo of the cup, perhaps even with you near it.
  • DON'T try to get a photocopy the cup; your office machine is not meant for trophy duplication.
  • DO handle the cup with care and respect, should you be fortunate to touch or carry it.
  • DON'T wear the cup on your head lampshade-style while running through the concourse screaming, "PARTY ON THE SEAWALL! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
  • DO plan a party with your soccer-loving friends to commemorate the occasion.
  • DON'T schedule it during a Vancouver Canucks game unless not having your also-hockey-loving friends come over was your plan all along.
  • DO rub it in to our Cascadia rivals that the cup is coming back to Vancouver.
  • DON'T declare "the Cascadia Cup is coming home, suckaaaaaaaz" to a border guard.

Omar Salgado is Still Here

"Hi everyone, I'm Omar Salgado and, yes, I'm still here. I've been here since I was drafted first overall back in 2011, ahead of some scrub named Darlington Nagbe. Sure, I've been injured a few times since then but who can forget the goal I scored against Columbus in my first start? I certainly can't. I watch that video at least three times a day, often while undergoing a myriad of rehabilitations for my continual injuries. Boy, do I look good. Flap that jersey, Omar!

"Sorry, where was I? Right. Still here. Yes, I've been injured, trying to deal with the recurring problems that come from this fractured foot I suffered with the USA U20s way back in June of 2012. Honestly, I'm not sure what could be going on here. Did I catch some sort of rare Uruguayan affliction that cripples talented strikers and inhibits their injury recovery? I've been doing everything the physiotherapists tell me to do: relax, ice, elevate, train for twelve hours and then practice spinning bicycle kicks on the trampoline I snuck onto the training grounds. Well, maybe the physios didn't exactly say those last two but I can tell they were thinking it. I was certainly thinking it while I watched that video of me scoring my only MLS goal. What a header! Wham!

"My point is this: it's clear I'm a major asset to this or any team. Remember when then-Chivas USA manager "El Chelis" was rumoured to be interested in me, probably because I'm a super-awesome first-overall draft pick and not because of my Hispanic heritage? That's leverage right there. When my contract comes up with Vancouver, I'm going to be leveraging that kind of attention into a Designated Player contract. It's the least I deserve, considering what I'm going to do once I'm healthy. Darren Mattocks thinks he can score 20 goals? I'll score 30. Kekuta Manneh bags a hat trick in Seattle? I'll score a hat trick on every road match, with at least one goal being a super-awesome spinning bicycle kick. Here, want me to show you?"

(Sadly, this interview was cut short as Salgado required immediate medical assistance following a botched overhead kick.)

Reminder: The Playoff Dream is Nearly Extinct

Look, I get it: coping with loss is tough. That said, the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you can get through the grief and move on with your life. With that in mind, we now present your weekly reminder that the playoff dream, along with the 2013 season, is nearly extinct. To help us exemplify this situation, your critically endangered animal du jour is the vaquita.

Found only in the Gulf of California, vaquitas (Spanish for "little cows") are the smallest species of porpoise on Earth. Estimates put their current numbers at roughly 500. Elusive and disinclined towards any contact with humans, vaquitas will even go so far as to breathe in a low-profile manner before disappearing below the water's surface. When the Whitecaps fail to qualify for the playoffs, Martin Rennie would do well to emulate the vaquita and keep as low a profile as possible. It's certainly working for his boss.


Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.