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Totally Serious: Canada, Uh, Qualifies for World Cup Somehow

Big news out of the Canadian Soccer Association and FIFA today. Canada has apparently, er, qualified for the World Cup somehow. I have it on the best authority that this is totally legit and not at all a joke.

According to a high-placed source in the CSA, "yeah, uh, everybody else in CONCACAF was sick today, I guess? And there was probably some match fixing in there too? That's how you know this is for real. It's too, er, bogus to make up."

Also entering the World Cup due to this totally real thing are St. Vincent and the Grenadines and the Canadian U-17 women's team, who were recent CONCACAF champions but whom everyone has already forgotten about because, in the words of one pundit, "dude, girlz soccer? lol".

I spoke to a veteran of the national team who wished to remain anonymous, and after waiting on hold for an hour while he placed his daily order with the pizza guy, he was enthusiastic. "Yeah (mmph garumph) totally excited about going to Sochi or London or where-ever this thing is (om-nom-nom)."

Credit for this remarkable turn-around must be laid at the feet of disgraced former manager Dale Mitchell, whose cunning strategy of making Canada look completely unprepared for World Cup qualifying has been vindicated at the last minute. With a rested club that hasn't suffered the stress of playing a qualifying match in two years, Stephen Hart can now look forward to shocking the world in what the anonymous national team member probably meant to call South Africa.

Canada will replace Honduras in Group H, where they will take on Spain, Switzerland, and Chile with high hopes of possibly scoring a goal this time. Canada must be an early favourite to win the group: as commentators have observed, Dwayne De Rosario is a former two-time MLS Cup MVP but no Spanish international has ever achieved a similar level of success in North America's highest league. While Spanish football regresses, Canadian stars such as Julian De Guzman are leaving the bankrupt La Liga clubs to move up to Major League Soccer.

This story, which is totally for real I assure you, will doubtless be in major media outlets any minute. Really. Just keep looking.