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Toronto Leads 5-1: A Stream-of-Consciousness Narrative

I am writing the beginning of this post in the eighty-forth minute of Toronto - Trois-Rivieres Attack. Toronto leads 5-1 on a hat trick from the unpatriotic Dwayne De Rosario, a goal from outright scumbag Amado Guevara, and a goal from professional pylon Chad Barrett.

I'm not a Whitecaps fan. I'm a club widow whose heart belongs to the Edmonton Aviators. I keep telling myself this. But right now, I am trying to console myself by saying that I am dead, and this is hell.

It turns out that I hate Marc Dos Santos more than I hate cancer. Seriously, he started who again? Srdjan Djenakovic in goal, the guy who was directly responsible for Toronto's first goal? A couple guys thrown straight into the starting eleven from the Canadian Soccer League? All of their best players, aside from Gjertsen and Di Lorenzo, watching the match from home?

(Eighty-eighth minute.)

Am I a Whitecaps fan? I really didn't think so before tonight. Sure, I was cheering for them, but that was because I always like the underdogs and Montreal pissed me off because of the whole Honduras thing (I thought I hated Montreal for that? This is the invasion of Poland in comparison). But I am really, really, scotch-drinking, keyboard-throwing, cat-puntingly angry right now.

I don't really want to be a Whitecaps fan. It seems too high-stress.

What kind of ignorant asshole starts his goddamned reserves in the last match of a round-robin cup tournament, anyway? Vancouver plays Montreal and Toronto at full strength, Toronto plays Vancouver at full strength and Montreal saying "let's get this over with, happy hour starts at the Peel Pub at ten". How is that fair? How is that even sport? In a competition where every point is the difference between winning and losing, it turns out that having the last match of the competition is the largest possible advantage.

Ninetieth minute. Guevara just scored again. Amado Guevara. In case you don't remember, his flagrant dive at this very stadium last year got Patrice Bernier sent off. If I were to create a trinity of unholy names in Canadian football, it would be Guevara, Chris Morgan, and Benito Archundia.

Remember last year in the Voyageurs Cup? Second-last match of the competition and the Whitecaps were out. Toronto went into Swangard Stadium and Vancouver played the hell out of them, emerging with a 2-2 draw that ended up sending Montreal to the CONCACAF Champions League. You remember that? Jesus, I think I am a Whitecaps fan.

Actually, I think I'm angrier at the Montreal fans. I mean, the TFC fans were travelling to a hopeless game and they were by far the louder fans. What gives? Montreal deserves an MLS team with fans like this? Fans like we saw against Honduras? With such blatantly unprofessional behaviour in a national championship? I'm not convinced they still deserve a USL team.

Final whistle. I am going to find a lawyer who can start a class-action suit against the Impact for throwing the game. There's got to be someone who'll take it. If John Limniatis was still manager, you know he wouldn't have played his useless reserves. Seriously, Marc Dos Santos: be ashamed of yourself. You are a terrible human being and a worse sportsman. Do you have any clear conception of what you are paid to do? Do you quite understand how "football" works? You try to score more goals than the other team, not say "meh, I'm not really in the mood".

Hey, it's the "this is our house!" commercial. They were going to film one of these in Saputo Stadium, but it turns out that empty seats couldn't do the chant.

If anyone says that watching Montreal's disgraceful display is good for Canadian football because Toronto won, they're wrong.