This Just In: Week 20 Edition

Russell Teibert makes a break for the Canada-Cuba border, which he assumes must exist. - USA TODAY Sports

In the world of professional sports, we see no shortage of well-written, well-researched articles that delve into the stories surrounding our favourite teams. The unfortunate side effect? Fake stories go begging, unnoticed and forgotten. In an attempt to reverse this shocking trend, Eighty Six Forever is proud to present a selection of stories that are completely, totally, absolutely false. Enjoy.

Fine Print Details of Cascadia Cup Agreement Revealed

After months of legal back and forth, parties from Major League Soccer and the Cascadia Cup Council - an overseeing body of the eponymous trophy formed by members of the Emerald City Supporters, the Timbers Army and the Southsiders - have finally resolved the dispute over the Cascadia Cup trademark, ensuring no action regarding sponsorship will be taken without the express consent of all parties. While this is no doubt a fine result for all involved, what hasn't been reported is the myriad of extra details, clarifications, agreements and provisions that had to be brokered to get the core deal to pass. Thanks to some expert sleuthing, we've uncovered some of the more unusual items hidden in the fine print, such as:

  • "East Coast Bias" will officially be replaced with "Cascadia Bias", a league-wide policy wherein any team outside of Cascadia will be considered less important than any team inside;
  • Each Cascadian team will be required to set a profanity level for each seating section. Gates to each section must be accompanied by a cardboard cut-out of Dan Garber covering his mouth and holding a list of inappropriate words with the title, "You must be this profane to enter";
  • Teams will now be responsible for hiring voice coaches and training supporters groups to not sound like a drunken choir mob on nationally televised games;
  • Beer sales will now begin forty minutes before kickoff and end ten minutes later;
  • Vancouver will be allowed to kneecap no more than three (3) opposing players during the Amway Canadian Championship so they can finally win the damn thing;
  • Seattle will finally be permitted to enter Sigi Schmid in that Alfred Hitchcock look-a-like contest he's been wanting to attend for the last six years; and
  • Portland will be given the 2014 All-Star Game, provided they announce it before the 2013 game is even played.

An interesting list, to be sure, though honestly I can't see that last one hap- wait, what? It actually happened?! Oh my.

Teibert Announces Intent to Defect to Cuba

Canada's hopes at the Gold Cup were always slim to begin with; unfortunately, they just got a truckload worse. How bad are Canada's chances? Well, calling them "razor-thin" would be an insult to razors and thin, especially considering star prospect and Vancouver Whitecaps forward/midfielder/hair model Russell Teibert is actively attempting to switch allegiances.

In an interview during training before the Canada-Mexico match, Teibert explained he'd seen enough after Simeon Jackson, Randy Edwini-Bonsu, Nana Attakora and Will Johnson all succumbed to injuries or, even worse, signing fat new contracts in the Bundesliga. "Look, I know what's going on here, right? It's clear there's somebody out there targeting the only competent people on this squad. Well, I mean, that doesn't explain Attakora, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'm getting out before someone takes me out."

Despite being cap-tied to Canada, Teibert is adamant he can exercise the same defection clause Osvaldo Alonso used to, ironically, leave Cuba for the United States. When asked why he would switch national allegiances instead of just withdraw from the squad and return to the Whitecaps, Teibert answered, "At least Cuba won something without needing a coin toss."

Canada's interim head coach Colin Miler was unavailable for comment as he was busy shredding every newspaper at Benito Floro's apartment and having the CSA cancel Floro's WiFi, smartphone and internet access.

Cannon's Niagara Falls Trip Checklist

After a no-nonsense rebuttal in which Whitecaps goalkeeper Joe Cannon made it clear that, yes, he was on a planned trip to Niagara Falls and no, he didn't appreciate the insinuation otherwise, the 'keeper went the extra mile and posted his personalized checklist just to prove everything is above board.

  1. Pack spare undies.
  2. Hide fountain of youth key from Young-Pyo Lee.
  3. Visit scenic falls to reflect on natural beauty of the world.
  4. Take souvenir "going over the falls" photo with family.
  5. Hurl voodoo doll of Martin MacMahon over the falls.
  6. Tweet collage of beauty shots with shout-out to Russell Teibert.
  7. Tweet collage of middle fingers with expletives to MLSSoccer.com.
  8. Visit local park to kick a ball with promising local talent; point out they could make the Canadian national team some day because, seriously, they literally could do that right now.
  9. Try a beavertail.
  10. Face whatever direction Toronto is in; point and laugh.
  11. Ditto New York.
  12. Have a picnic dinner with family as the sun sets.
  13. Get plastered in the nearest bar once the family is asleep.
  14. Buy extra Aspirin (if necessary).
  15. Apologize to family (if necessary).
  16. Shout "BOOM!" really loudly at Lake Ontario.
  17. Hurl voodoo doll of David Ousted, a.k.a. "Voodousted", over the falls; shout "BOOM!" again.
  18. Pack up, go home, win starting job back.

~

Rituro is a freelance nerd, sports fan and avid gamer. Feel free to throw a tweet his way and follow @ThatRituroGuy.

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