That Vancouver - Dallas Game Sucked and I Hated It

This is how ugly that game was.

What a horrible, horrible game. That's the worst men have played soccer since they abandoned the WM formation. I was going to say FC Dallas deserved to win, but that would be a lie: both teams deserved to lose but the Vancouver Whitecaps deserved to lose much more. They did what it took to lose the game and it was competitive.

Dallas got its goals because Andy O'Brien, Martin Bonjour, and Joe Cannon couldn't combine to do anything about Fabian Castillo shambling through their box like some demented Colombian Frankenstein, and because David Ferreira, without any Jonathan Leathers on the other end to give his tibia a good talking-to, made O'Brien and then Bonjour look like schmucks en route to giving Jonathan Top his first and certainly his easiest professional goal.

It's hard to say who the crowd was booing hardest: Dallas, the officials, or the concept of soccer. After that game even I'm starting to look forward to the Grey Cup.

What valuable lesson did we learn from Wednesday's orgy of unbearable tedium? That Atiba Harris should probably go down to a level more suited for his abilities, like the Slovakian eleventh division (he gets worse every time he plays! How does he do that?! He was never good! That should be impossible! He looked like a 60-year-old man out there!)? We knew that. That the Whitecaps are a lot less good without their best players? We knew that too. That, as nice as he looked against Real Salt Lake, maybe we shouldn't write Andy O'Brien's name into the starting eleven in pen until he's been practicing for a couple of weeks? That, also, was not news, although with Martin Bonjour now suspended for Saturday Rennie will sadly have to keep throwing O'Brien into the deep end. That any time you see a Canadian referee on the lineup card and it isn't Carol Ann Chenard you're going to be throwing whiskey bottles at your television? Well...

A Whitecaps lineup running at a fraction of full strength lost to a Dallas lineup running at a fraction of full strength in a game that meant a lot more to them than it did to us. That's not so bad, but why did it have to a mutually sloppy crap-fest where both teams were kicking each other in the shins like petulant six-year-olds and Ferreira was diving so egregiously that yes, I did make that Leathers-broke-his-leg joke in the second paragraph? What did we do to deserve this? Did a gypsy woman put a curse upon us? If any of you are shooting albatross or sending black cats on broken mirrors underneath open ladders, stop it right now.

But it was nice to see Caleb Clarke make his professional debut off the bench, meaning that the Whitecaps have blown all minds by playing two Canadians in a single week. Good Richmond boy and not a bad game, really; or perhaps I'm just saying that because I was comparing him to Harris and Kenny Miller. Hopefully Miller figures out Major League Soccer sooner rather than later because the offensive depth that was once our strength currently looks just appalling. By the way, apropos of nothing, Eric Hassli had a goal and an assist against Portland yesterday.

The best thing I can say about that game is that none of us will ever have to watch it again.

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